


the one where kabuto is drunk and wants a baby

by deiectus



Series: city!AU [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Drinking, Drunk Texting, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Future Fic, Humor, M/M, astarte the cat, city!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 07:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2221428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deiectus/pseuds/deiectus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He needs a baby, apparently." Sasori set down his book and picked up his phone again. "What should I say."</p><p>Deidara frowned. "I don't know why you always gotta act like you don't know how talk to your childhood buddy." He leaned over on the couch and looked at the phone screen, then sniggered. "No proper punctuation, <em>and</em> two typos? Dude's wasted."</p>
            </blockquote>





	the one where kabuto is drunk and wants a baby

**Author's Note:**

> so this summer I spent two months in a big city I'd never been to before, and out of that experience and ninja talks with [skittidyne](http://archiveofourown.org/users/skittidyne), city!AU was born. city!AU essentially is the story of kabuto moving to a new city where his childhood friend, sasori, lives, and it focuses on those two and their boyfriends navigating feelings and life etc and also there will be my best attempt at an ensemble cast with konoha and akatsuki characters.
> 
> I _do_ have a main fic for it started and hope to upload chapters eventually. this takes place a few years after the main story begins.

 

 

 

 

"He is sooo beautiful," Kabuto slurred, leaning back in the passenger seat. His right hand was resting heavily on the front of his glasses, and Kakashi glanced over to check that he wouldn’t break them. Not broken, just askew. No danger there yet.

"Yeah, Hiru's a cute baby." Kakashi twisted in his seat, hand on Kabuto's headrest for balance, as he began backing out of his parking spot. 

"Oh my god," Kabuto breathed a minute later, hand dropping into his lap with a soft thud. He turned to face Kakashi, grabbing at his sleeve, the movement exaggerated by his intoxication. Kakashi concentrated on navigating the parking lot. "That's right,” Kabuto continued, voice hushed. “They... his dad. After his dead dad. No! Alive dad. Living dad."

Kakashi waited until they were paused at the exit of the lot before he removed Kabuto's hand from his sleeve. "Yeah."

"I have— I have to— Sasori. Sasori  _needs to know_ ," Kabuto whispered. He sat back in his seat and dug out his phone from his pocket, staring intently at the screen.

Asuma and Kurenai didn’t live that far from Kakashi's apartment, but his things were at Kabuto's and they were working on consolidating their shit anyway. One apartment, one bill. It was a big deal, cohabitation. Kakashi preferred their separate spaces, to be honest: he knew how to act in Kabuto's space, and how to act in his own, but merging the two... that had been his struggle. Kabuto had told him that they could have no more than four,  _maybe_ five, locks and/or deadbolts on the door. Which wasn't his current eight (he'd slowly eased off ten), but it was something. And Kabuto had accepted that there were going to be piles of unorganized things on the floor. Well, for now it'd been piles of unorganized things in  _specific places_ on the floor, which was still kind of organized, but Kakashi could respect that. Most of the time. And Kabuto was high-strung enough as it was anyway. He was fine with throwing his shit in a certain place as long as he could throw it somewhere. 

He thought about this while he drove through the streets and pulled onto the highway. Kabuto had been staring at his phone all the while, but when Kakashi merged lanes from the on ramp, he looked back over at him. His glasses fell off of his nose and into his lap, somehow missing hitting his hands or phone. 

"I can't text him. The phone is encryp... encryp," Kabuto said, very seriously, as if this were a real crisis. "Kakashi, I need you to text Sasori for me."

Kakashi smiled. "I should focus on driving, babe."

Kabuto's eyes widened. "Yes. Yes. You should. That is. Driving." 

The alcohol was hitting him hard, Kakashi noticed. It wasn't like it was uncommon for Kabuto to drink—or drink a lot—but this was only the second or third time Kakashi’d seen him let loose enough to drink with friends. Well, Kakashi's friends, but considering the terms Kakashi had been on with his "friends" years ago when he and Kabuto had met, it was almost like they were both on a equal level of familiarity with Asuma and Kurenai, at least. Not Gai, though. Kabuto was still warming up to him.

Maybe it was February, his mom, and the baby. Maybe that. 

  

* * *

 

_i needdd a bAby_

"Kabuto is drunk," Sasori announced to Deidara. Astarte mewed in agreement from where she was perched on his shoulders. They were spending the last hour before midnight on the couch, where they’d been for most of the night, Deidara playing video games and Sasori switching between reading periodicals and nonfiction.

"Well, he's ahead of me, yeah."

Deidara didn't look away from the TV screen until Princess Peach had sufficiently beaten Captain Falcon into submission. (Sasori didn't care about Deidara’s games, he just knew their names. That was all). "What'd he say?" he asked. It must have been ten minutes since Sasori had received Kabuto’s text, and he had since mostly pushed it out of his mind.

"He needs a baby, apparently." Sasori set down his book and picked up his phone again. "What should I say."

Deidara frowned. "I don't know why you always gotta act like you don't know how talk to your childhood buddy." He leaned over on the couch and looked at the phone screen, then sniggered. "No proper punctuation,  _and_ two typos? Dude's wasted."

Sasori did not see the need to remind Deidara that Kabuto frequently did not utilize proper capitalization, drunk or sober. He was just about to formulate a response when another text from Kabuto arrived. 

_babies areee beings. Of pur light. nd gdness._

"Oh my god."

 

* * *

 

"You know you just sent "pure light and goodness"," Kakashi said. They were at Kabuto's apartment, out of their clothes and in bed, Kabuto attempting to text more competently now that he'd had a glass of water. Kakashi had spooned himself around Kabuto and hooked his chin over his shoulder, offering occasional commentary. He closed his eyes and pressed his nose to Kabuto's shoulder, breathing in the mix of sweat and Kabuto's distinct smell: clean and crisp, with the sweet undertone of that jasmine soap he used. Kakashi kissed the back of Kabuto’s neck, then the spot behind his left ear that always made him shiver. 

Kabuto shivered, on cue, and Kakashi wrapped the arm he had around his waist a little tighter, holding him close. He splayed his fingers on Kabuto's stomach, pressing against the skin tightly, as if he could leech and bottle the energy Kabuto held right now. This was a safe drunk for Kabuto. He was happy. Sentimental. Alive. 

"That is what that baby is," Kabuto solemnly replied, while tapping out a new text to Sasori. He then suddenly inhaled in realization. "We should. I'm. I'm telling Sasori that we need a baby."

Kakashi opened one eye. "The three of us? The four of us?" He frowned, and imagined what a child raised by Sasori and Deidara would look like. Always covered in finger paint, probably. A picky eater, because of Sasori. But probably dead soon, cause: explosion or neglect.

 

* * *

 

_I wannnt one. I want a baby_

_can you imagine. baby._

  _nt lik. newborn. grss and discolored. a hpy bab fresh baby_

"Have you even sent him one reply yet?" Deidara said, watching the influx of texts with awe. Sasori noticed that he wasn't laughing, and was surprised until he recognized that Deidara wasn't laughing at Kabuto because he was genuinely astonished—or, rather, preoccupied by the idea of a drunk and openly emotional Kabuto.

"I did," Sasori said, tapping a few buttons to get to his Sent Messages. He held the phone up to show Deidara his message: _you sound drunk. are you ok?_

"I sent that after the second text. Let's see when he remembers that I asked him a question."

Deidara barked out a short laugh. “This is way better than smash bros."

 

* * *

 

Kabuto had turned around in Kakashi's arms, though he was still holding a phone in one hand. His eyes were wet. Kakashi wiped his cheeks with a thumb, momentarily wary. Tears, no matter how few, were not the _best_ sign… 

Kabuto took Kakashi's head in his hands—well, what he could of his hands. His phone was still his hand and so now was pressed between his palm and Kakashi's jaw. Kakashi heard the faint sound of a button being pressed, but not much else. He thought he heard a voice, but wasn't sure. 

"We should— we should get a baby," Kabuto said.  

 

* * *

 

When Kabuto called him, Sasori immediately answered and set it to speaker. Almost simultaneously, he clapped a firm hand over Deidara's mouth. 

" _We should— we should get a baby."_

Deidara made a strangled noise of excitement from under Sasori's hand. He gripped Sasori's wrist with both of his hands and squeezed. Sasori's eyes were wide, and he bit the inside of his lips to keep from laughing, but he couldn't keep down a smile. They probably looked manic. 

" _I... I actually think that's not the best idea, Kabuto."_

The couch was shaking. Deidara was swaying back and forth in his seat, nearly vibrating. Sasori met his eyes and shook his head. He covered his own mouth with his free hand, just in case. 

 _"Let's have a girl and name it after my mom."_  

 _"Babe, I hate to break it to you, but..."_ They heard the sounds of movement, and Kakashi laughing. " _We can't make a baby together."_

 _"Surrogate!"_ Kabuto yelled, giggling. His words were soft around the edges, blurring into each other. _"Surrogate mom. I could. Uh. Find. Someone! At work."_

_"You don't like that, remember? I clearly remember you discussing this with Hinata—"_

"OH MY GOD," Deidara broke out, shoving Sasori's hand off of his face. " _NEITHER_ of you are touching her!"

"Shut up, you idiot!" Sasori hissed, but the line had already gone silent, and then, the call ended. 

 

* * *

 

After Kabuto had processed that he had accidentally called Sasori, that Sasori and Deidara had heard their conversation, that, upon this realization, he had thrown his phone across the room, and, after spending at least ten minutes curled into a ball, hiding his face in mortification, he was still covering his face. At least Kakashi had stopped laughing and was rubbing his back now. 

"Oh my god, apologize. Apologize to me," Kabuto moaned from behind his hands, "you  _knew_."

"I'm sorry, baby," Kakashi tried to keep his laugher to a minimum and kiss Kabuto’s cheek. He less was less than successful in both areas. "I didn't  _actually_ know. I heard a noise when you pressed the phone to my face. I wasn't sure."

"You!" Kabuto spread his fingers to glare at Kakashi with one eye. "You! Had. You had! ...an idea of it. You did." 

"Just a hint."  

Kakashi leaned in, his nose bumping against the backs of Kabuto's fingers. "I can't kiss you if you cover your mouth," he murmured. "And you _will_ remember tomorrow morning that you hate children."

Kabuto watched him suspiciously, but slowly rotated his hands so that while his fingers were still over his eyes (spread, though, so he could stare Kakashi down), his mouth was uncovered. It was ridiculous—ridiculously  _cute_ —and Kakashi couldn't help laughing again. 

"STOP! Stop laughing at me!" Kabuto yelled, pulling his hands off of his face so he could shove Kakashi on the shoulder. He was laughing too, though, and Kakashi moved to pounce, pressing Kabuto into the mattress and kissing him soundly. Kabuto weakly punched Kakashi’s back, but every noise he made while Kakashi kissed him was one of encouragement.

 

* * *

  

"If Kabuto gets a baby, we'll have to babysit it," Deidara said while Sasori brushed his teeth. He was half awake at best, his forehead pressed against Sasori's shoulder, arms wrapped around his waist.

Sasori spit into the sink. "I refuse."

Later, just as they had settled into bed and were nearing sleep, Deidara asked, "Do you ever think about it?"

"What," Sasori murmured against Deidara's head. He opened an eye to check on him, and seeing that Deidara had his eyes closed and was relaxed into the sheets, closed his eyes again and curled his body around him. 

"Babies. Kids, man."

"They are parasites," Sasori authoritatively replied.

"Oh, yeah? Then you were a parasite, once." Deidara murmured, then yawned.

"I have always been perfect. You know this," Sasori yawned back. "Go to sleep."

"Yes, His Perfection." Deidara laughed, yet covered one of Sasori's hands with his own. 

Sasori smiled. 

 

* * *

 

"You are so mean," Kabuto sighed as he stared at the ceiling, one hand absentmindedly stroking Kakashi's hair, the other resting on Kakashi's shoulders, while Kakashi kissed down his throat. "So mean. Won't let me have a baby." Kakashi gently bit the side of Kabuto's neck and he shuddered underneath him, letting out a soft squeak. 

Kakashi humored him. "I'm the meanest boyfriend ever."

"Best dick though," Kabuto yawned. " _Best_ dick."

"Best dick you ever had," Kakashi agreed. He pressed a final kiss to Kabuto's collarbone and moved to sit next to him. Kakashi leaned forward to pull the duvet back and over the two of them as he lay down, scooting close to Kabuto. 

"Mmm," Kabuto murmured, turning on his side and fitting himself, almost nestling, up against Kakashi's chest. "Good night, dick." With his hands drawn up between their chests and his mouth open wide in another yawn, Kakashi noticed that Kabuto looked particularly infant-like.

Kakashi brushed Kabuto’s bangs to the side and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Love you," he murmured, chest suddenly full. 

Kabuto smiled faintly. He didn't say anything—he was probably mostly asleep at this point—but moved his hands so that they rested in front of his heart.

 


End file.
